Unbound’s Guide to the Election Clusterf*ck

Much ink was spilt about how Ted Cruz once defended a law banning the sale and advertisement of sex toys during his tenure as a solicitor general for Texas.  For those of you who missed it, the case arose in 2003 when Joanne Webb, a 43-year-old mother of three was caught violating the state ban when she sold sex toys to an undercover cop during a gathering of adult couples in a Fort Worth suburb (an offense punishable at the time by up to two years in prison). 

While charges against Webb were ultimately dropped, a collection of local sex-toy companies eventually sued in federal court to challenge the constitutionality of the ban.The issue at hand (as in other high profile cases like Roe v. Wade or Lawrence v. Texas) was the tension was between the scope of unenumerated protections under the 14th amendment (particularly the right to privacy) and the degree to which states should be allowed to pass legislation regulating matters such as health and safety.
Mother Jones unearthed a 76 page(!) brief that Cruz and his legal team had authored to defend the legislation (ultimately struck down by an appellate court), which alleged -among other ridiculous things- that:
  • Sex toy usage was comparable to “hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy”

  • That “…there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship”

  • And that the government ought to be granted “police powers” to succeed in “discouraging prurient interests in sexual gratification, combating the commercial sale of sex, and protecting minors
Ted Cruz has since made statements to the effect that he would not ban the sale of sex toys were he to become president, calling the suggestion “ridiculous”.  While indeed this story has certainly furnished ample comedic fodder for the blogosphere and late night talk show circuit, it ultimately casts into stark relief the true agenda and injurious breed of misinformation being advanced by the modern GOP à propos sexual health in general and women’s health in particular. 
In light of primary season we felt compelled to give you all a quick and dirty rundown on what exactly the current election frontrunners stand for on these really fucking important issues, so that you can all make informed decisions (and save future generations from a dildoless dystopian hellscape). 


Donald Trump Dildo

  • Abortion: Pro-life flip-flopper (Trump asserted he was “very pro-choice” on NBC’s Meet the Press in 1999, but has since reversed his position)
  • Planned Parenthood: Supports programs except abortion services
  • Birth Control: Would slash coverage of birth control under the Affordable Care Act
  • Family Leave: Urges caution when considering such a policy (has insinuated it could make the US less competitive)
  • SEXY MOVE: Having his penis gently spray-tanned while thinking about what he’d do to Ivanka if he “weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father”
  • SEXY ACCESSORY: Merkin – Bare down there?  Simply relocate the stylish orange detachable pelt from the Donald’s dome to your pubis.  Not even an elaborate ineffectual border wall will keep your admirers away!

Ted Cruz Dildo

  • Abortion: Really, really pro-life (staunch supporter of a Texas law that led to the closure of dozens of abortion clinics)
  • Planned Parenthood: Wants to fully defund
  • Birth Control: Would slash coverage under the Affordable Care Act. Also sponsored a bill to ban a Washington D.C. law that protects women from being fired if they take birth control
  • Family Leave: Against a federal mandate
  • SEXY MOVE: Moralizing about the evils of deviant behavior, getting pegged by beltway hookers
  • SEXY ACCESSORY: Money on the nightstand.  Also this buttplug:
    Ted Cruz Butt Plug

John Kasich Vibrator

  • Abortion: Helped provide the first-ever state funding for rape crisis centers in Ohio, but remains vehemently opposed to abortion and closed half of the abortion centers in his state
  • Planned Parenthood: Wants to defund.  Signed legislation as governor of Ohio to defund the organization there
  • Birth Control: Would slash coverage of birth control under the Affordable Care Act. 
  • Family Leave: Against a federal mandate, but supports some alternatives likeallowing new mothers to work online from home
  • SEXY ACCESSORY: Irrelevance


Hillary Clinton Dildo

  • Abortion: Pro-choice
  • Planned Parenthood: Supports full ongoing funding (badass quote: "When you attack Planned Parenthood, you attack women’s health. When you attack women’s health, you attack America’s health”)
  • Birth Control: Supports insurance coverage.  Spoke out against Hobby Lobby verdict, calling it “very troubling”.
  • Family Leave: Supports mandated 12 weeks (voiced reservations two years ago that a mandate would be “politically feasible,” but has since changed her stance)
  • SEXY MOVE: Bringing you back to her speakeasy dominatrix red room at the Hilton Garden Inn
  • SEXY ACCESSORY: Crotchless pantsuit

Bernie Sanders Dildos

  • Abortion: Pro-choice, and more vocal about it than Clinton (quote: “The decision about abortion must remain a decision for the woman, her family, and physician to make, not the government”)
  • Planned Parenthood: Supports full ongoing funding
  • Birth Control: Supports insurance coverage
  • Family Leave: Supports mandated 12 weeks (quote: “we are going to have medical and family paid leave, like every other country on Earth”)
  • SEXY MOVE: 69 – an equitable distribution of pleasure!  Too long have 99% of orgasms accrued disproportionately to pillow princesses and the 1%
  • SEXY ACCESSORIES: Cialis and strip bingo
Editorial note: We don’t aspire to be political here at the Unbound Mag, but when our nation might be careening dangerously close to installing someone in the highest office in the land who wants to legislate away women’s access to sexual health and wellness, we don’t feel we can sit on the sidelines.  If you have a vagina or care about someone who does, GET OUT THERE AND PLEASE FREEKIN VOTE.

The Girls at Unbound

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